I remember the night this photo was taken.  I was so depressed because I spent too much money on this whorish costume and I looked too fat to go anywhere in it.  My girlfriend at the time and I skipped the party we had planned to go to for months because I was too embarrassed to go out in this.  Worst. Halloween. Ever.  And Halloween is my most favorite holiday.  This is what I look like now:

My boobies are so enormous they look painful and heavy.  My cleavage looks like a butt crack.  My shoulders are wider than my brother when he's wearing his football pads, and my face is round and shiny.  When did I get so fat?? 

This is not a blog to fish for compliments or recieve inspiring feminist quotes about being fat and happy.  I'm not unhappy with the way I look, truthfully I don't care.  It makes me sad to look back at that picture from halloween and think of how consumed with how I looked I was.  I feel embarrassed and stupid for how much I whined about how fat I was to all of my friends.  I missed a really great party because I was too worried about people looking at me and disliking what they saw.  Now when I look at that picture, I feel sexy and beautiful and I wonder where that woman was that night.  I don't know how getting so fat brought her out of me, but I'm glad I found her. 

That being said, I have been trying to lose weight.  But now it's for the right reasons.  I no longer feel the need to be thin to please everyone else.  I'm no longer interested in being thin.  I want to be strong.  I want to be healthy.  I want to be able to zip up a pair of size 12 shorts this summer.  (I'll admit...that last one is for vanity. But come on, I live in the south, and it is fucking HOT)

What do you hate about your body or yourself?  Why do you hate it?  How can you change it?  Start doing something TODAY!! 

I think I got so fat for the same reasons I was so thin; I had terrible self esteem.  The self esteem that made me feel embarrassed to be seen in that costume is the same self esteem that was too worried about looking stupid to go to the gym.  One day Her and I were talking about working out.  She asked me why I didn't like to work out.  My immediate answer was "it's embarrassing."  Her said "how is it embarrassing if you're alone?  What embarrasses you?"  It took me a long time to answer that question, but when I did I realized how afraid of failure I was.  That is so stupid, but I think it is a problem for many people today.  We get fat and we hate ourselves, and then we give up.  So I started working out.  Just a little at a time.  I started with fifteen minutes of yoga in the morning.  Then I tacked on some strength training.  Now I run every morning.  I love working out now!! And I feel so good!! Do I look like the sad girl in the halloween picture?  Nope.  I doubt I ever will.  And I'm ok with that.  I'm ok with looking like the fat girl in the second picture (though some posture would help that butt-crack cleavage)!!  As long as I am happy, strong, and healthy, I think I'll be just fine. 

Don't ever let fear of failure stand in your way.  And don't ever let someone else make you feel bad for the way you look.  A couple of weeks ago a family member said to me "wow, you're finally starting to lose some weight, I'm proud of you!"  A few months ago, that would have reduced me to tears and sent me straight into weeks of self loathing, but now all I think is "wow, I really hope that when I'm a great grandmother my life is so full of love and joy that I'm not concerned with vain issues like which granddaughter is fatter than the other.  How sad. And also, Fuck You."   The fact that I have confidence, humor, intelligence, and joy makes me 1000 times more beautiful than any skinny girl with low self-esteem. 

Take care of you!!